The 'King' of all commoners

Hollywood loves making movies about the royals and in the past few years there have been a bunch about Kings and Queens having responsibility suddenly thrust upon them.

Of course, very few of them are about commoners. George VI ("The King's Speech") and Elizabeth I ("Elizabeth") grew up as royalty and Elizabeth II ("The Queen") had been running the joint for years before she had to make the tough decisions after Diana's death.

So how's a commoner like Kate Middleton supposed to learn how to be royal?

Two words: King Ralph.

We know, we know, the 1991 movie starring John Goodman as Ralph Jones, a Las Vegas entertainer who finds himself next in line for the British throne, is hardly high art. When it was released 20 years ago (What!), it grossed just $30 million and was savaged by the critics.

But if you're about to marry into royalty you won't find a better primer than this film.

Here then are five things every commoner-turned-royal should know (courtesy of "King Ralph"):

Be yourself. Look, Kate, as soon as you kiss William in Westminster Abbey (keep it clean, you're British, not French) you'll have all sorts of handlers telling you what to wear and how to act. Don't do it. A bunch of guys tried to gussy up Ralph in the movie and it didn't work. Sometimes you just gotta let your freak flag fly. You're a commoner and if the movie's any indication, the punks and strippers will love you. But you first got Wills' attention with a see-through dress, so you know what you're doing.

Make the right friends. We don't think you're going to try to sell-off your legacy to the highest bidder like Fergie, but it's easy to fall in with the wrong crowd when you start somewhere new. In a 97-minute movie, Ralph was fooled by his butler, the Finns, a power-hungry Lord and a stripper. Yes, the stripper was Ralph's true love, eventually admitted she was part of the conspiracy, and returned the money but still... But you first got Wills' attention with a see-through dress, so you know what you're doing.

Avoid the harpsichord. You know how to play the piano. At some function you will be tempted to play "Good Golly, Miss Molly" on one of the antique instruments in Buckingham Palace. Don’t.

Don't trust John Hurt. I know you probably think this is a non-issue. John Hurt is a busy guy, making movies and doing charity work. But consider the fact he's a Commander of the Order of the British Empire so if a dragon shows up (We think that's what the Order does?), they might have to call him in. And remember he was a jerk in "V For Vendetta," too! John Hurt is THAT evil. So, watch yourself around him. However, if the "Harry Potter" movies are to be believed, he does make excellent wands. Remember that in case there are any dragons.

Learn your history.

Nobody’s perfect, Kate, and you'll probably make a few royal gaffes along the way and will have to defend yourself in an impassioned speech in Parliament, probably referencing the Treason Act of 1702. Be ready.